Onslow Square, London, And Prebendary Of
St. Paul’s Cathedral
Every
man, I believe, if asked to record his own spiritual experiences,would
be ready to acknowledge that in his case at least while he owes verymuch
to the holy zeal of some beloved relation or friend —
the work of theHoly Spirit was so wonderfully carried on that none but
Divine wisdomcould
possibly have met and overcome the needs which arose from day today,
from the moment that he was first "convinced" or convicted "of
sin"and
made to realize his true position before God. At all events, in seekingto
record my own personal experiences (as I have been earnestly requestedto
do, or I would never have thought of so writing) I can only marvel andrejoice
at the wonderful way in which God so graciously provided for myspiritual
wants as they arose. The one real wonder in such a case is that thelove
of God could continue to exhibit itself towards one who soungratefully
sought to resist it, till at length He has enabled "even me" tosay
from the heart:
"Higher than the highest heaven,Deeper
than the deepest sea, Lord,Thy love at last hath
conquered;None of self, and all of Thee."
To
my honored parents I owe practically more than I can tell. From myearliest
youth I had every spiritual advantage and help. I cannot doubt that,in
after days, the instruction received from both their words and exampledid
tend to make me obedient to the voice of God in my soul. Indeed, Icould
never give way to temptation without sore prickings of conscience;and
especially after my confirmation (for which I was prepared by Dr.Boyd,
afterwards Dean of Exeter) I went through pains and sorrows for atime
whenever I had sinned against the light.
But
neither warnings nor pleadings had any lasting effects, till at length inthe
autumn of 1856, while I was residing with Mr. Jenkins, Vicar ofHazlewood,
Derbyshire, as a private pupil before going to Cambridge, Iwas invited to stay
for a night at Osmaston Manor, the splendid home ofthe
late Mr. Frank Wright. In the evening his son (to be later theRevelation
Henry Wright, Hon. Secretary of the Church MissionarySociety)
— at that time just entering manhood like
myself asked me to gowith him on the roof to see the moonlight
effects.
His
invitation was with a purpose — for he was even then
"a master" insoul winning; and though I cannot now remember
any particular argumentsthat he used, I know that he sent me to my room
deeply moved with thesense of my own folly and sin in giving my life
to the world instead of toGod. Next morning he gave me a Bible (for I had
not, I believe, taken oneto my tutor’s),
after writing in it the words of St.
Paul to Titus, "Holdingfast
the faithful word." That Bible I have and treasure still after forty-sevenyears
of time.
From
Osmaston Manor I drove to the town of Derby,
and by the time Iarrived there I had begun to think myself a fool for
listening so readily toone who had indeed convicted me of sin, but had
not succeeded inpersuading me to accept Christ Jesus as my Lord.
Consequently I began(as so many others have done in like
circumstances) to wish that I couldget rid of the painful impressions
produced; and having observed on thetown walls that the races were going on
at Derby that day, and having afew hours to spare before I was due at my tutor’s,
I thought I would see ifby my first visit to the race course I could
shake off my sense of heavinessand distress.
As
I reached the course the gates were closed to allow a race being runwithout
danger of interruption, and as I came to those gates the horsesdashed
by, and I saw the only horse-race I have ever witnessed in my life.At
that moment a young man — almost as young as
myself — touched hishat
and, holding out a small piece of paper to me, said, "I beg pardon, sir;would
you kindly read this?"I thought that he wanted me to read it for him,
so I took it and looked at itas if to help him. What was my astonishment to find
only these (printed)words on the paper: "Reader, if you died
tonight, would your soul be INHELL?"I simply turned and fled like a terrified
coward (as I was), no longerthinking of the races, but only how to escape
from the judgment of Godand from the awful grasp of the devil, both of
which seemed to be equallyterrible.
I
had some six or seven miles to go to my tutor’s,
but I believe Iaccomplished this distance (uphill) in an hour, so eager was
I to flee fromthe
wrath that I had invoked. But still, as it will be observed, I was onlyconvicted
of my own folly, and was not resting my soul on Christ. "By thelaw
is the knowledge of sin," and "The law is our schoolmaster to bring
usto
Christ." "Knowing the terrors of the law" God had, through Hismessenger,
"persuaded me" so far that I was utterly ashamed of the past;but
though the impression was deep, I dare not say what would havehappened
if the good Lord had not raised up in a remarkable way otherhelpers
for my soul.
My
tutor’s kind words now began to impress me, and
my good friendHenry
Wright wrote me beautiful letters; but (for the few weeks thatremained
before I was to meet the temptations of Cambridge)
perhaps mychief
and most valuable helper was a young farmer named Stephens, wholived
in the parish. Him I had hitherto avoided carefully, because I hadheard
that he had "been converted in a most remarkable manner after livinga
life of grievous folly and sin," and that "he was always now trying
tospeak
to people about their souls."
Some
two or three days after my experience in Derby,
I came to one of theso-called "stiles" in Derbyshire,
which are simply like a narrow "V." As Iput
my foot through it, my friend Stephens met me in the stile and suddenlysaid,
"At last we are face to face. Now, why did you avoid me? I wish youwould
come and read the Bible with me. I want to know more of it, and Iam
sure you must, too." Here was at least a third person who, in thecourse
of one week, had been led of God to offer a special call to my soul!
How
could I resist the voice of grace, mercy and peace?Thank
God, I did not! I went regularly and often, for the short time thatremained,
to read the Word of God arid to pray with my young friend; andthough
I have never seen him or the stranger of Derby again, I feel it only aduty
and a privilege to acknowledge (when asked to narrate myconversion)
how much under God I owe to His two humble messengers.
And
was the life consistent and spiritual ever afterwards? I am asked. Alas,no!
There were many ups and downs, and many declensions from grace.So
weak did the Lord see His servant to be, that in mercy and love He hadto
save me from temptation by allowing a terrible fall of some fifteen orsixteen
feet to take place, when I was showing off as champion gymnastsoon
after I went up to Cambridge. From that time I had to spend threeyears
almost entirely on my couch, passing all my examinations (even thatof
my ordination) in a recumbent position. From this I twice rose, as ifdetermined
to have my own way. One year I gained the University cup forhigh
and broad jumping, and the next I secured the cup for diving andswimming;
but on each occasion I had to go back to my couch to learn ofGod
for another whole year.
Much
more could be told of the Lord’s merciful dealings
with a sinner; butwhat has been said will, I hope, suffice to prove the truth
of the words withwhich I opened this account, and also to show how entirely
the work is theLord’s, though He deigns to
make use of His human vessels to carry graceto the soul. To Him let me offer my
tribute of thanks, and give all possibleglory and praise that He has deigned to
take such a poor sinner and numberhim among His sons, enabling me to say
with all my heart, "Whereas I wasblind, now I see." Jesus Christ is
indeed to me all in all, and "Thanks beunto God for His unspeakable gift."