I
came to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ on May 24th, 1903,being
then in my forty-fifth year. I did not at that time fully understandwhat
had happened to me, and only learned subsequently, through thestudy
of the Scriptures, that, by the grace of God through faith in His SonJesus
Christ, I had been quicken Ephesians 2:5, and had passedfrom
death unto life John 5:24.
FORMAL
PROFESSION NOT AN ANCHOR FOR THE SOUL
For
many years previous to that time I had been drifting steadily away fromeven
a formal profession of Christ. There was no aspiration in my soulbeyond
the gratification of self; and all the exertion which I was puttingforth
had for its sole object the acquisition and accumulation of means forministering
to that gratification through life. I do not except from thiscategory
the consideration bestowed upon my family (who woulddoubtless
give me a good character as an indulgent husband and father),for
I count these as within the definition of "self."
The
things which I valued, such as reputation, the good opinion of men,success
in business enterprises and the like, engrossed my time andthought,
and beyond these, which were all of a temporal nature, there wasno
object in view. I can now clearly see that I had unconsciously mademoney
a god to trust in and to bestow my affections upon, and cantherefore
comprehend the statement of Scripture that covetousness isidolatry.
Whether
or not there was an existence beyond the grave was a matterabout
which I had speculated much but had dismissed it from my thought.Having
become a thorough-going rationalist (and being no more irrationalthan
the generality of those who assume that self-flattering title) I took theground
that it was possible to believe only what could be made evident tothe
physical senses, and having rejected the witness of God, and so madeHim
a liar 1 John 5:9,10, and having disregarded "the evidence ofthings
not seen" Hebrews 11:1, I was perishing for lack of knowledgewhile
passing, in my own estimation and that of others, as a "very well informedman."
I
had become a church-member and communicant at the age of sixteen; hadbeen
for many years thereafter quite a regular attendant on church services,and
had heard innumerable sermons; yet I was as ignorant as any Hottentotconcerning
God’s one and only way of salvation. Such is
the wretchedcondition
of millions of excellent people in this "Christian" land and in this"enlightened"
century. The Gospel is hid from them because "the god ofthis
age" hath blinded their minds"lest the light of the glorious
Gospel of Christ, who is the image ofGod, should shine unto them" 2
Corinthians 4:4.
WORLDLY
PROSPERITY UNSATISFYING
"Whosoever
drinketh of this water shall thirst again" John 4:13. Letme
add briefly, as touching my material circumstances, that in the practiceof
my chosen profession (law) I was sufficiently successful to gratify myown
ambition and to excite the envy of others; that I was blessed withexcellent
physical health; and that my domestic relations were all that couldbe
desired. Nothing seemed to be lacking that could insure or contribute tohappiness
and contentment.
But
peace of mind and rest of conscience are not to be found in what theworld
calls "easy circumstances." Notwithstanding that I had apparentlyevery
reason to be well satisfied with my lot, and every opportunity toenjoy
the good things of this world, my mental condition was anything butsatisfactory.
It is hard to picture the state of a mind subject to increasinglyfrequent
and protracted spells of depression, for which there seemed to beno
reason or explanation. Certainly I was thoroughly discontented,desperately
unhappy, and becoming more and more an easy prey to gloomythoughts
and vague, indefinable apprehensions. No longer could I findmental
satisfaction and diversion in the places and things which oncesupplied
them. My gratifications had been largely of an intellectual order,and
my mind had been much occupied in efforts to pierce the veil of thematerial
universe, and to discover what, if anything, lay concealed behindit.
This quest had carried me into the domains of science, philosophy,occultism,
theosophy, etc., etc. All this pursuit had yielded nothing morereliable
than conjecture, and had left the inquirer after the truth wearied,baffled
and intellectually starved. Life had no meaning, advantage, purposeor
justification; and the powers of the much-vaunted human intellectseemed
unequal to the solution of the simplest mysteries. The prospectbefore
me was unspeakably dark and forbidding.
"WHERE
IS THE WISE?" 1 CORINTHIANS 1:20
But
some remedy against settled despair must be found. So I followedothers
in the attempt to find distraction in the gaieties, amusements andexcitements
of a godless, pleasure-seeking world, among whom I was asgodless
as any. Some good people who were interested in me, and whohad
an inkling of my condition, assured me that what I needed was more"diversion"
and "relaxation," and that I was "working too hard," etc.
Thisview
of the matter was urged by church members. No one told me thesimple
truth; namely, that I needed Christ and His salvation. O, theinnumerable
millions who are stumbling through life, vaguely conscious ofa
great need, but ignorant of its nature, and having no one to tell them!
I
have given this description of my unhappy state at some length in thebelief
that among those who may read it, many will recognize it as adescription
of the main features of their own condition.To such I can say with the utmost
assurance that there is deliverance foryou, full and complete, and that it is
not far off, but it is close by."The word is nigh thee, in thy mouth
and in thy heart, that is, theword of faith which we preach; that if thou
shalt confess with thymouth Jesus as Lord, and shalt believe in thine
heart that God hathraised Him from the dead, thou shalt be
saved" Romans10:8,9.
So
completely has that old condition of mental distress and unrest passedaway
that I would not now be able to even recall and describe it, but for arecord
which I made within six months of my conversion."Who shall
deliver me? I thank God through Jesus Christ, ourLord" Romans
7:24,25.
One
never-to-be-forgotten evening in New
York City I strolled out in myusual
unhappy frame of mind, intending to seek diversion at the theater.This
purpose carried me as far as the lobby of a theater on Broadway, andcaused
me to take my place in the line of ticket purchasers. But an unseenhand
turned me aside, and the next thing that I remember I had wanderedfar
from the theater and my attention was arrested by a very faint sound ofsinging
which came to my ears amid the noises on Eighth Avenue, nearForty-fourth Street.
There is no natural explanation of my being attractedby,
and of my following up, that sound. Nevertheless, I pushed my wayinto
the building (a very plain, unattractive affair, bearing the sign "GospelTabernacle,")
whence the sound emanated, and found myself in a prayermeeting.
I was not much impressed by the exercises, and in fact was not atall
in sympathy with what transpired. What did, however, make animpression
upon me was the circumstance that, as I was making my way tothe
door after the meeting, several persons greeted me with a pleasantword
and a shake of the hand, and one inquired about my spiritual state. Iwent
away from that meeting still in complete ignorance of the simple truththat
my wretchedness was all due to the fact that I was an un-reconciled andunpardoned
sinner, and of the greater truth that there was One who haddied
for my sins, who had reconciled me to God by His blood, and throughwhom
I could obtain forgiveness of sins and eternal life. Again I say thatno
natural explanation will account for the fact that I was constrained toreturn
to a place so utterly devoid of attractions and so foreign to all mynatural
tastes and inclinations. The people were not in the social grade towhich
I had been accustomed, and I would have found nothing at allcongenial
in their Society.
And
here I wish to call particular attention to a striking instance of the factthat
God’s ways are not as our ways, and that the
wisdom of man isfoolishness with God. I should have supposed that, in order
to convince meof
the truth of the Bible and of Christianity it would be necessary toemploy
the best efforts of a faculty of the profoundest theologians, versedin
all the arguments of skeptical philosophy, and able to furnish plausiblereplies
to them. But God, in His wisdom, sent me to learn the way ofeverlasting
life from a company of exceedingly plain, humble people, oflittle
education, to whom I regarded myself as immeasurably superior in allthe
higher branches of knowledge. It is true that these people knew verylittle
of what is taught in colleges and seminaries; but they did have thatknowledge
which is the highest and most excellent of all, that knowledgefor
which one of the most scholarly of men of his day was willing tosacrifice
all his advantages, counting them but refuse, and to cast away allhis
brilliant prospects, saying,"I count all things but loss for the
excellency of the knowledge ofChrist Jesus my Lord" Philippians 3:8.
So
that my estimate of my own attainments was altogether wrong; and theactual
truth was that, in comparison with the simplest of those who hadknowledge
of Jesus Christ as Savior and who confessed Him as Lord, Iwas
but an ignoramus.
I
do not remember how many times I went to these meetings before Iyielded
to the Spirit’s influence, and I do
not remember that I wasconscious of any benefit from attending the
meetings, which, from theordinary standpoint, would have been pronounced
decidedly dull. Thecrisis in my life came on the evening of May
24th, 1903, when, yielding toan inward prompting which, gentle as it was, yet
overpowered all mynatural reluctance and repugnance to such an act, I went
forward and kneltwith a few others at the front of the meeting room. I took
the sinner’splace,
and confessed myself in need of the grace of God. A Christian man(the
same who at first asked me about my soul) kneeled by me and calledon
the Lord Jesus to save me. Of course, the act of publicly kneeling andcalling
on the name of the Lord is not a necessary part of the process ofconversion.
There is no specified place or manner in which the gift ofeternal
life is received. What is necessary, however, is that one shouldbelieve
God, first as to the fact that he is a sinner and can do nothing forhimself;
and second, that Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the Eternal Sonof
God, is the Sin-Bearer for all who believe on Him —"Who
was delivered for our offenses, and raised again for ourjustification"
Romans 4:25.
I
did not know the nature of what was happening, for I did not believe insudden
conversions. I supposed that a change of nature, if it occurred atall,
must be very gradual — an
"evolution," in fact. But my ignorance ofthe
process did not stand in the way of the mighty power of God, acting ingrace,
to quicken me into new life Ephesians 1:19; 2:5. I called uponthe
name of the Lord, with a deep conviction of sin in my heart, and thatwas
enough.
"IF
ANY MAN BE IN CHRIST, HE IS A NEW CREATURE"
In
the years that have elapsed I have come to a better understanding of thetremendous
change which took place that night —
though only in eternitywill I fully comprehend it. Certainly it was
life from the dead. Spiritualthings from that moment became realities, and
took a place in my thoughtand consciousness. The things that once had a
hold upon me began to losetheir attraction. I soon learned by a happy
experience that if a man be inChrist, there is a new creation —
an entirely new environment — that oldthings
have passed away, and all things have become new; and that allthings
are of God 2 Corinthians 5:17,18. In a very short time thehabits
of my life, as well as the occupations of my heart and mind,underwent
a great change. The habit of daily Bible reading, and of morningand
evening prayer, was immediately established. Often previously I hadtried
to pray, as I felt the pressure of misery and distress of mind; andinnumerable
times both publicly and privately, I had "said my prayers;" butit
was not praying, for I was in unbelief. I did not believe the Word of God,but
criticized and rejected it. I did not believe in the virgin birth of ourLord,
nor in His vicarious death, nor in His physical resurrection. Thedoctrine
of His blood-shedding for the sins of others, and of His beingmade
sin for us, that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him2
Corinthians 5:21 I regarded as unphilosophical and unworthy ofbelief.
The only God I knew was the god of materialism, a creature ofman’s
vain imagination. I had no knowledge of "the God and Father of ourLord
Jesus Christ."
DOUBTS
AND DIFFICULTIES SWEPT AWAY
Perhaps
the most wonderful change Which was manifest to myconsciousness,
when my mind began to resume its normal activity and toinquire
into what had happened, was this, that all my doubts, questionings,skepticism
and criticism concerning God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,concerning
the full inspiration accuracy and authority of the HolyScriptures
as the incorruptible Word of God, concerning the sufficiency ofChrist’s
atonement to settle the question of sin, and to provide a groundupon
which God could, in perfect righteousness, forgive and justify asinner,
and concerning an assured salvation and perfect acceptance inChrist,
were swept away completely. From that day to this I have neverbeen
troubled by doubts of God and His Word.